D-I-V-O-R-C-E

By: Rebecca MacDonald

I have recently talked Romeo into trying out Yoga.



He is being faced with a possible knee replacement AND rotator cuff surgery.

And

I’m fat.

So, my thoughts were…..

Let’s work on healing his body and see what route we need to take AFTER we see how his body responds to Yoga.

And

Hopefully, I will lose some weight.

He was a great sport about it.

And

Because I couldn’t fit into my clothes……..

I found a Yoga for Newbies…..and signed us up.

We went this past Saturday…..

And it started with a long meditation and a LONNNNNNNNGGGGGG article regarding Memorial Day and honoring our fallen soldiers.

I thought……

Wow…that is neat for newbies….but different?

So the class started…..

The lady started the class with instructions of movements and positions.

Did I mention that you are not allowed to talk during class?

Did I also mention that nobody else looked like they had picked up pink and purple Yoga blocks from Walmart on their way to class?

But class began and the Yoga instructor was changing positions and not offering any explanations which was really bugging me.

I was thinking……what kind of newbie class was this?

Romeo literally had sweat pouring from every pore and I was stumbling everywhere like a ballerina with a broken leg.

Luckily…..we were in the back row with one other lady.

And

About halfway through the class they were hitting poses like this………

Ok….not exactly like this one….too funny to pass up…..

It was like this one.

And when she got to this point…she had them turn around….reverse their positions…..

Which meant….

Our back row…….


WAS NOW THE FRONT.

And I was like…… “what…. the…… heck????”

I wouldn’t even look at Romeo at this point because I knew he was literally going to kill me.

Besides….his shirt was up around his neck and covering his head…he wouldn’t have seen my glance.

Did I mention he didn’t tuck his shirt in like everyone else?

That was precious.

And a little violating.

The yoga instructor would walk quietly up to us while the others were locked into their advanced poses and whisper things like…..

“Are you doing ok?

“Everything alright?”

We would just whisper and mumble back to her that we were fine……

I WAS DYING.

And there was NO way I was going to admit that I couldn’t tackle the newbie class because I knew I would never get Romeo to come back.

They stayed in some weirdo pose FOREVER…….while Romeo heaved and laid against the wall.

And I weebled and wobbled like a ….well…..

Weeble wobble.

Woman Practicing Warrior Pose 3 Yoga Exercise

I knew I was dead meat………

While everyone else held this pose flawlessly, she then talked more about what being a warrior meant…..

What warrior pose three meant…….

And I was like……

Please, Lord….make this class end!

Please, Lord……keep Romeo alive!

Hangle Dangle

It was a FREAKING nightmare!

Towards the end of the class they have some kind of meditation thing and Romeo was literally snoring loudly while everyone else was breathing softly.

I wanted to kill him.

But I was glad to hear him breathing because I knew he at least wasn’t dead from the class.

So, I could kill him later.

I kept knocking his arm with my yoga block….because we were not allowed to talk…..and he would give me the “stink eye”, which meant….

“Woman….I endured this crap……let me sleep.”

Bonding….out.

It……. was……..precious.

We left class humiliated and talked about how difficult even beginner yoga was on the way home.

I kept encouraging him….encouraging myself….that we did great…….it wasn’t that bad……etc.

At home later that night…..the phone rang.

Me: “Hello?”

Her: “Hello, Rebecca?”

Me: “Yes?”

Her: “This is “yoga lady” from class”.

Me: “Oh…ummmmm hi”. (humiliated because I knew she was going to chastise me about our lack of yoga ability and disruption of class and I wondered what the heck this call was about)

Her: “It seems there was a mix-up. It didn’t hit me during class but it did later this evening when I was going over the names of those that signed the register when coming into class”.

Me: “Uhhhhhh????”

Her: “You signed up online for the Yoga for beginners class didn’t you?”

Me: “Uhhhhhh….yeah”. (I have a way with words)

Her: “Well, that class was at our other location. You were in our Advanced Yoga class in honor of our armed forces…..this wasn’t the new to yoga class…. I was in the same row as you…..you poor things!”

Me: “Uhhhh…..ummmmmm……well……….we sorta’ thought it was neat to honor the veterans but wondered where the newbie part was going to come into play”.

Her: “Well, please tell your husband to give us another try. You two were good sports to try so hard and just so you know…..when you can’t get a pose you can fall into “childpose” or “mountain pose”.

Me: “Oh……so you are saying to not use the ‘lean against the wall pose’ or the ‘hang onto Romeo’s arm while trying to keep balance pose’ and definitely not to use the ‘keep tipping over so you rotate your arms like windmills to keep your balance pose?’ That wasn’t appropriate???”

Her: “hee hee”……(I wasn’t joking)

Her: “Well, I was thinking that it might be best if you two start with one of our instructors for a private lesson and she will help you get started”.

Me: “Sure”……..(I’m a dork! I’m a loser! )

Her: “Well….you two may want to soak in some Epsom Salts tonight because you really tackled some difficult poses. I couldn’t stop laughing tonight when it hit me what had happened.”

Me: “Oh…uhhhhh…thanks???”

So, apparently we have been sent to a “special needs” yoga class.

I can say that…..I have a sister that is special needs.

But people………

Really????

I keep trying to help Romeo see how funny it is that we were in the advanced class by accident…….

For some reason……… he isn’t laughing.

For some reason…...I feel like a dork.

Why do I feel that this is the impression that we were giving off in class?

They didn’t charge us for the accidental class we attended and are discounting our “special” class they want us to attend.

Is it just me or do you think we have made quite an impression?

In a “not so good way”.

Did I mention the fact that once class was over and I finally got the guts to look at Romeo……

He mouthed the letters……

D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

So much for bonding.

That was just plain ugly.

So…..we may have been kicked out of that class…….but tomorrow……..

They are having a special class….for just us two…..(doofus heads)

We must have been awful!

Why can’t I be the really cool person just once?

Have you ever done yoga?

Have you ever thought about doing yoga?

I would love to know if I am the only one!

Wish us luck!

Love, Me

Rebecca is a new yogi and prolific blogger. Check out her blog YouAreTalkingTooMuch.com.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Comments are closed.